This isn't such a big story. It's not like the other stories I see posted here, with all the details that I would be too embarrassed to even put down in print. Really, I don't really even know why I'm bothering to write it, except maybe as a bit of a confession. I mean, who else am I going to talk to about this? Not my husband, that's for sure. I sent some of it in an e-mail to an author I've been writing to, and he's been very understanding (thanks O). He says he's willing to post it if I want, and I guess that's okay so long as he keeps my e-mail address private. Maybe once its off my chest, I'll feel a better about things.
Lord knows, I don't feel so good about it right now.
So I'll write the whole thing out again (this time in one part), but I probably won't set the scene too well. I don't have much practice at writing this kind of thing.
When Jan and I took up jogging, we tried to keep each other honest. We tried to commit to an early morning meeting time, and force ourselves to do the whole block (and not cut through the park). For the first few days, it worked okay, but then we began to let it slide. I had to get my son to elementary school after the jog, and it was just hard to get motivated at 6 o'clock in the morning.
I missed a day, then Jan missed as day, and soon, we were only actually running about a day a week. So we tried something new. We began to run in the early afternoons, and suddenly, it became a lot easier.
It wasn't just the chill of the early morning that we were glad to be rid of, although there really is something to be said for being able to jog in running shorts rather than a jogging suit. There was something else that neither of us expected to help motivate us.
You see, the block we lived on - Jan was my next door neighbour - isn't far from one of the local high schools. As luck (and later, a little bit of planning) would have it, our daily run coincided with the block run of one of the boys gym classes.
I think we were both a little self-conscious that first time when we found ourselves running in front of them. I was a little out of shape, and by this point in the run, I was having trouble keeping up. I didn't need an audience while I huffed and puffed and fell behind Jan. I really expected them to pass us quickly, in one big pack, but instead, they slowed down and ran behind us.
Never underestimate the power of male hormones, I guess. It's not like either of us are models. We're not bad for thirty-something, and a few pounds to lose, but the way these guys were checking us out was more than a little embarrassing. Jan has bigger breasts than me, and I won't pretend we didn't hear them making some comments about it.
We didn't really discuss it, but the next day we managed to meet at exactly the same time, and sort of did a slow jog until we heard the boys coming up the block. Afterwards, Jan called me a tease for not wearing a bra, and I called her a tramp for the shorts she was wearing, but it was all in good fun. And like I said, we suddenly seemed to have no trouble motivating ourselves to get out and run.
As summer approached, we knew that it wouldn't be long before school went out, and we wouldn't have any more company on our runs. With Jan going away with her husband in June, I wondered if we would even bother to get back into the routine after she got back. It would be a shame too, because since we started running, I had never felt better.
I was even starting to be able to outrun Jan.
During the final week of school, the gym classes were sporadic... I guess because of exams. The boys were with us on Monday, but Tuesday and Wednesday, they were gone. Then on Thursday, as we began our run, I could hear a class coming up - and Jan gave me a little wink. I guess you could say that we had become a bit blatant in our teasing of the boys. As the first runners came up. Jan used the front of her T-shirt to wipe her face, nearly exposing herself. That always got a reaction.
Except this time, all we heard was laughter.
I turned my head to find that it wasn't a boys class behind us this time. With all of the exams going, they must have switched classes around, and now we were being trailed by a group of fifteen year old girls.
Suddenly, I think both of us were regretting wearing such skimpy running clothes. I can't say I heard everything that was being said by the girls, but not much of it was flattering.
"Move," one of the bigger girls bumped me while passing. Some of the other runners did the same, and I found myself slowing down and keeping my eyes low, hoping that the whole group would pass us quickly. The problem was, there was one pack of six or seven girls who were all running together and they seemed happy to continue harassing us.
"They're the ones, right?" I heard one of the girls ask. I could tell that Jan didn't understand what they were saying, but I could hear bits and pieces, and I figured out that some of the boys from school had talked about the way we always showed off to them.
A funny feeling came up in my stomach, and I knew right away that this could get worse. Not only were the girls taunting us now (one of them was making a sound like a cow), but I could tell that they were sort of building up more courage from each other. Another one bumped me, but she didn't pass. She just said, "Watch where you're going."
Because I didn't answer, one called me deaf, and another one called me a dummy. And so on.
I don't know if Jan was as scared as I was. I mean, I hung out with girls like this in high school. They were all obviously friends, and I don't care what anybody says, I know from experience that there's nobody crueller than a clique of teen aged girls. The taunts became more personal as we continued.
"Look at the way she shows off her fat ass," I'm not sure which one of us she was talking about. "I don't know why Paul would want to run behind her and her saggy old tits." I assumed that Paul was one of their boyfriends.
This was enough. As we came close to the park, I nudged Jan, and we detoured onto one of the trails. Then I regretted it. Instead of continuing on the road with the rest of the class, the pack of 6 girls followed us into the park.
Somehow, I think people always know when something is going really, really wrong. It's just this electric feeling in the air that put a lump in your throat, and a knot in your stomach. I could hear some of the girls laughing. They were breaking the rules for real now, and they seemed pretty excited by the whole scene.
"Abby..." Jan began to say, but then tripped on a tree root across the trail. I helped her up, and continued to run, but the girls were all around us now, bumping us, and calling us names, and laughing amongst themselves.
Jan broke into a real sprint, and left the trail, trying to cut back towards the street. I followed her, but I already knew it was useless. These girls were twenty years younger, and were pumped with adrenaline. It was a chase now. Two of the girls passed me quickly, following Jan into a wooded area. The others surrounded me.
Ahead, I could see the high school girls catching up with Jan. They bumped and jostled her the same way the others were doing to me. Then, one of them kicked at her ankle, and Jan stumbled forward. I had a hard time keeping my footing on the wet grass, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before I went down too.
Jan finally hit the muddy ground behind a patch of rhododendrons. The girls cheered each other, and descended upon her. I was running out of room to manoeuvre, and finally skidded to a stop just on the other side of the thick patch of glossy foliage.
A light rain was coming down now. It cooled my hot skin as I tried to catch my breath. On this side of the bush, it was a stalemate. I realized now that only two of the girls were still with me, cornering me against the shrub. The other four or five had joined the girls who had wrestled Jan into the mud beyond the bush.
I'm so ashamed. I stood there like an idiot, too afraid to try to make a run for it, while I could hear the group of girls kicking and spitting on my friend. She coughed and gasped and begged them to stop.
What a power trip it must have been for these teenage girls. Not only had they chased down a couple of adult women, but now they had us trapped, and Jan was at their feet, begging for mercy.
I already knew that no mercy was on their minds. Like I said before, I used to hang around with girls like this in high school. No, they wouldn't feel any pity. It was only going to get worse from here.
"You like showing off for our boyfriends, huh?"
"Yeah, you think you're such hot shit with your big saggy tits and your fat ass... don't you?"
Jan tried to beg, but another round of kicks and yelling kept her silent. I couldn't see anything from where I stood, on the other side of the rhododendrons. One of the girls who had me cornered backed up a couple of steps so that she could watch the amusements from around the corner of the bush. She was a short, athletic Chinese girl that I thought I heard someone call Brandi. She watched with wide eyes as her friends continued Jan's humiliations.
"Do you want to show off your ugly body for us now, bitch?"
"Yeah, come on." "Take off her shirt." "Show us your tits, old lady."
Maybe they had picked Jan for this part of the attack because of her large breasts, or maybe it had just been the way it had turned out, but I found myself feeling lucky that my own breasts were more modestly sized as the girls ripped away Jan's T-shirt, and began to abuse her.
"Look at how fucking flabby they are. Jesus." "What a pig ... listen how she squeals when I pinch her boobs." "Trina... you don't have to kick them... you're just getting mud all over the place." "I don't give a fuck, she's a pig... she should be a little muddy..."
(That's not word for word, but it's pretty close.)
It got really bad. I really shouldn't say much more. If I went into all of the little details, this would turn into a very nasty story. Besides, I was really on the other side of the bush, and all I could see was the Chinese girl, Brandi, watching excitedly, and another girl, a bit overweight, who was still doing her best to keep me from running.
I have to say though, from what I heard, they abused her ass, and even her... you know... just as much as they did her breasts. They kept on calling her a pig, and pushing her into the mud, and making her grunt and squeal. It was really hard to listen to.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, a new round of encouragement came from the group as one of the girls went a step further. I couldn't believe what I was hearing until Brandi said it aloud to the heavy girl who couldn't see the action, "Oh, man... Amy's pissing on her... right on her face."
I don't know what was holding me there. Brandi was distracted. I could probably get past the other girl. I guess I was just afraid that the whole group would chase me. Yeah, I guess I was just plain chicken. I really felt like I was failing Jan. She was probably counting on me to get help.
And it really wasn't that far. There was a row of houses just beyond the park perimeter, but I here I was, scared of a nervous teenaged girl, who was beginning to look just as frightened as I was.
The girls took turns. That wasn't all they did to her. They continued to abuse her body, and call her filthy names. Worst of all... and I hesitate to even mention it... some of the girls forced her to lick them. The other girls cheered them on. Brandi squirmed in her gym shorts while her friends had their fun. She even began to rub herself through them as the scene progressed.
The only one who seemed nervous was the overweight girl who was keeping me in position. She watched me anxiously, and tried to look as intimidating as she could.
"The piggy is enjoying this, isn't she?" They heaped humiliation upon my neighbour. I knew it was all forced, but they made her 'admit' how much she was turned on by being abused by a group of teenagers, and being "put in her place". Through grunts, and groans, and squeals, she told them how much she worshipped them, and asked them to piss on her, and told them how she liked to lick them.
I think one of them even had an orgasm.
(O... is this getting too graphic? You can cut some out if you want.)
"Jesus, this is hot, "Brandi said to no one in particular, still rubbing herself through her Adidas shorts. Then she addressed the group. "Hey, maybe we should do this one too..."
My heart almost stopped. The girls were in such a frenzy, I didn't doubt that they'd do even worse things to me. Then the overweight girl spoke up. "C'mon guys, we're going to be in so much shit when we get back to class."
The way they were going, I'm surprised they even cared. Nonetheless, the girls decided to go. The heavy girl and Brandi kept me cornered there as their peers emerged, tucking in their T-shirts and shorts, and with mud on their knees and running shoes.
Mud was everywhere. The girls wiped their feet on the grass as they walked away, but I was soon to find that Jan would need a lot more cleaning up. When I came around the rhododendrons, I couldn't believe the scene.
She was still laying there, of course. Everywhere the thin grass had been worn away, leaving footprints all around her. The traffic was especially heavy around her face, where I imagined the girls had squatted above her while forcing her to do humiliating things with them. Jan's clothes were in tatters, and her body was marked up by the ordeal.
One detail... I didn't even want to write this, but Orestes told me that it figures into the plot... and I'll have to admit to thinking about it a lot afterwards... Jan was rubbing herself. The effect of it was absolutely lewd. I mean, I'd never seen anyone like this, much less my next door neighbour. She had been abused and pissed on... her lips were swollen from the beating... and all I could think about was the way she was rubbing herself.
And I was sure that is was just something that the girls had forced her to do. I mean, they made her say how much she enjoyed it, so this was just another way to humiliate her. I never heard them tell her to do it, but there was so much chatter, I must have missed it.
Jan was so ashamed. So was I. She made me promise not to tell anyone. I ran back home and got her a change of clothes. Then I brought her home for a shower. All the while, I couldn't think straight. We had to tell someone, didn't we ? We couldn't just keep this a secret.
But we did.
It was a nasty, dark, and shameful secret that only the two of us shared. It almost felt like a dream.
Jan called me five times over the weekend, but we never had anything to say to each other. I could just feel her heart pounding from across the phone line, but there were no words to describe the secret we were keeping. I couldn't get it out of my head. I replayed it again and again, reviewing all of the emotions I felt that day, especially the inappropriate ones. I tried to tell myself that it was natural to have been glad that it was Jan who ended up in the mud instead of me.
Then there was the moment just as the girls were walking away, and one of them lit up a smoke, and I stood there, waiting to go to my friend. I'd heard everything they had done to her, but in this moment, I'm ashamed to admit, there was a little bit of anticipation to see it with my own eyes. And the feeling I got when I found Jan rubbing herself. Well, I can't describe it.
Jan went away on that business trip with her husband the next week. I was left with this secret smouldering in my belly. One time, late at night, maybe Wednesday or Thursday, I got a phone call, but no one was on the other end. I got that feeling that it might have been Jan. I don't know.
When the following week rolled around, I was left wondering what was left of our friendship. Then, at the end of the week, she came over unexpectedly.
"Hey, did you want to go out for a jog?" she asked me breathlessly. "Remy can watch the kids. He's home from work this week."
And yes, I wanted very badly to go for a jog. I was surprised that Jan would even consider it.
So, a few minutes later, we were taking our familiar route through the neighbourhood, trying to pretend than nothing had happened, even though it was totally consuming my thoughts. Finally, I had to say something.
"Are you going to talk to anyone at the school?"
Her face flushed red. "No... I mean... it's just, well, it's not as if they really..."
She couldn't finish. I wasn't going to pursue it.
We rounded the corner where we normally caught up with the gym classes.
Of course, it was summer now, so there would be no one to follow us today. But suddenly, Jan picked up the pace a little bit, leaving me lagging behind.
Now, I told you that I had become a better runner than Jan over the course of our jogging together, so it was no problem for me to keep up. Just as I caught up, though, she sped up again, keeping me another few steps behind. My heart was really pumping now. I knew that I could outrun her, so I began to push the pace too, forcing her to really push herself to keep ahead.
I don't know why the chase began, but neither of us seemed ready to call it quits. Half way down the block, she suddenly veered right, into the park.
I can't really explain what happened next. It was all so unexpected. One minute, I was chasing Jan across the grass, and then we sort of bumped each other, and Jan stumbled into one of the bushes beside the path. Then I was on top of her.
God, this is the hardest part of all to admit to. I don't know if you'll believe me when I say that I didn't plan this, but once I was on top of her, it just happened. It was such a rush of power. I felt exhilaration and intense shame as I found myself pinning her into the muddy ground.
In that moment, it all seemed so inevitable. I'd been playing the scene in my head so often, and even little variations on it. Now, I found myself re-enacting the dark secret we had kept for the past two weeks.
She didn't even resist me. She just accepted this most recent violation as if she somehow deserved it.
I won't repeat the filthy names I called her. I can't believe they even came from my mouth. I won't tell you about the awful things I made her do with her tongue (not even to you, O). It's bad enough that Jan and I know about it. I think about it all of the time now.
And since I'm not going to spill all of the details, that's the end of my confession. We didn't talk again after the incident. Less than a week later, I found out that Jan was moving away to relocate for her husband's job. I guess that was the reason for the business trip, although she never told me about it. They rented out the house next door.
I guess I've tried to bury the whole thing in my memory, but it's impossible. They've been gone nearly a year now, and I can't stop thinking about that run we took in the park, and the window it gave me into the darkest part of my sexuality.
I've been thinking about it a lot more now. Recently, I've been getting phone calls again late at night with no one on the other end. My husband wants to trace the calls, but I try to play it down. I guess I'm afraid that it'll be an out-of-state number, and then I'd know that it was her.
Worst of all, about two weeks ago, the renters next door moved out. I heard a rumour that Remy and Jan were moving back into the neighbourhood, but I don't know if it's true. I really can't stand the suspense.